Picking

Upon reading an entry done by a certain someone, things started to buzz and whirr and do other mechanical-sounding things in my head. Not literally of course-- that would be kind of weird if that was indeed the case.

Let's make up some ambiguous characters using letters like one would use letters for variables in a math equation. Let one human being be represented by the letter 'X', and another human being be represented by the letter 'Y'. Still with me? Good. Let's say that X and Y were going out, and they were both in love with each other. Now, to further the equation, one of them, X, starts to think that s/he is becoming too dependent and needy, and begins to hate her/himself for it. [edit: the X and Y does not stand for Scott and I]

And now I sit and stare at the monitor with the cursor laughing at me in little blinks as I fail to write what I want. This may have something to do with the fact that there are now more than one person reading this thing. But hey, this is my journal. I should be able to write whatever I please, right? So tally-ho, as they say.

In a way I can see where X is coming from. But I try to avoid blaming these feelings on things such as being too dependent and being too needy. It's not these things at all. When I look into this picture that's been so delicately painted, I see more of a 'missing' theme-- Talking to a certain someone is the highlight of my day because I miss them, not because I'm too dependent on them. Well, this is what I'm hoping anyway.

I guess you could say that I hate, hate, hate, hate the fact that I feel a part of me is missing when I'm not beside a certain someone. Why does this have to be one of the many side-effects when you're on love? Why do I have to feel like the universe has been caving in around me when a certain someone isn't around, and it's that certain someone who can reverse the agonizing process? It's that certain someone who can raise me to new dimensions of beautiful bliss and hunger-satisfying happiness by just being there. It's that certain someone who puts that fucking skip in my step when I think about seeing him next. It's that certain someone who can make me believe that everything is right as pH-7 rated rain with a simple kiss, or a simple touch. It's that certain someone who fills my stomach with warm fuzzies, or butterflies, or whatever else you want to call it with just a simple passing thought of him. And as good as this seems, it's also a tad scary. Scary because- not something I really want to get into right now, and I'm not perfectly comfortable posting that here. Maybe some other time, some other post.

I finally know why there has been mountains and mountains of songs, poetry, stories, and art on love: there is just so much damn emotion and feelings involved in this simple four-letter word. Or, maybe it's just that you cannot describe what you feel with all the words, metaphors and similes in the world. God knows Shakespeare tried, and since I'm about a good a writer as Shakespeare as the sun is cold, I'm going to stop trying.

Anyways. I watched Monster tonight with Brian. Holy shit. The performances were astonishing.